Crackpot Christian Cosmos Colonies

Apr 12 | Posted by: Fighter #1 | Tags: Crackpot Theories to save the world

I was thinking to myself, why aren’t we colonizing space yet? I mean, seriously! Is the idea of colonizing other planets not awesome enough for people or what? Then it occurred to me, the same people who have political clout and hate space programs are the same sort of people who have historically enjoyed misinterpreting Scripture for their own jingoistic purposes. Maybe there’s a connection there?

So here’s my ridiculous strawman reason for why all good, patriotic Christians should oppose extra-terrestrial colonization projects: How is the Rapture gonna happen? I’ve seen Left Behind. I know how it’s going to go down, and moon colonies don’t fit into that picture. If it’s raining ash and fire on earth, what’s happening to the colonies? Sure, a third of the ice on Mars could turn into blood, but who cares. God’s not going to impress anyone with that!

And, because I enjoy winning arguments against stupid (and fake) people, here’s my rebuttal.  Really? Is God so weak that he can’t wipe out humanity and usher in a new Heaven and Earth in more than one location? I figure that being omnipotent He can probably blow up both Earth and a few moons of Jupiter simultaneously. Heck, there’s probably dozens of types of cosmic phenomena which could wipe out our whole solar system in one go. Maybe even our whole arm of the galaxy.

Heck! We’re almost obligated to spread throughout the universe, just so that it’s more impressive when the end of humanity does occur! Do you think Carl Sagan is going to stand before the Throne of Judgement and be impressed by God wiping out one measly little planet? Heck no! He sees bigger catastrophes than that before he’s had his breakfast.

So there you go. Sci-fi nerds, we need to colonize space because it’s awesome. Conservative, pre-trib Christians, we need to colonize space because that way we’ll get to see more of what’s happening in Revelation as it goes down, and that will be way cooler!


Special double crackpot theory! Logistics!

How do we get our first space colonies launched? Convince somebody that they want to do it. Here's how we solve two problems at once. Take one of those people groups who's always fighting in the middle east and convince them that their holy land is actually on the moon!

I'd recommend the Jewish people because I think they've probably got the most resources for it. (Although the Palestinians already have a pretty good rocketry program, I hear. (I am going to Hell for that joke.)) But really, I'm open to suggestions if somebody else would do a better job.

That way, once they get the program launched, we have one fewer group of people squabbling over that land, and humanity has made our first baby steps into space! Rawk! (it)

The Scientologists would be good candidates for off-world holy lands, since their theology has a bunch of alien planet crap in it. Plus no-one would be sad to see them go.

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